Someone just made me realise that I haven't been around for her when she needed it. (Would you even have been worried in the first place? If I hadn't been online today and have happened to have met you you would have just gone on with your own peaceful night, logged off and gone to bed, just like you've done every day. You wouldn't have thought about it, you would simply have moved on with your life...) So busy with my own world and my own life that I forgot about someone else's. That doesn't mean that she doesn't matter or that I didn't care, it's just--

*sigh* Suan le. I shan't defend myself anymore. It would simply sound like mere excuses, no matter how much I mean it. Can be an awfully self-absorbed creature sometimes. Yes, I am aware. I like things to go in a nicely patterned manner, like to think there is peace and harmony and love and joy and what have you, like to believe that everyone is good and fine, like to turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to what I instinctively feel but refuse to believe. And if you do realise, it does help to make life easier, because if you let things that go wrong get to you, if you are sensitive to every fluctuation in circumstance... all the small matters are gonna be so magnified, and everything is so much bleaker, and then that awful helplessness steps in. It's not like I don't feel -_- I had at some point in time fretted and worried for everything that went wrong for all these certain people, even as I was well aware that I'm in no position to change the situation for the better in any way, then I wondered what the point was after everything. *sigh* Then I realise that it's being awfully selfish. I don't know. Like a automatic rice-cooker, when things get a little too hot to handle you've gotta know when to switch off, or at least maintain at a fairly managable temperature. How do you strike a balance between yourself and others, how do you realise when things go wrong? I digressed. Still think if I had been around when she needed a shoulder to cry on then maybe things would have been... I dunno, better?

Talking in circles, things come back to square one and I'm not making sense... but I need to get this out of the way, this naggy feeling of--of-- I don't know what. Sigh. Put off my giddily-happy-silly-bored-wuliao-descriptive update for a while more. Feel like a little kid being asked to face the wall and reflect... mian bi si guo...

Shall sleep on it, and I promise myself the next entry will be a senselessly chatty one to keep myself up a little. Then meanwhile I shall go and think how to resolve this situation.