Pondering

Feel the sudden urge to write... it's a rainy, rainy day, and my room's almost chilly even though my window's half open. I love rainy days, the gentle patter of rainy, coming down down down in a continuous fluid motion... the skies light blue-grey, the tap of water against glass, the quiet peacefulness outside my window, the cool cool air against your skin...

It's one of those times you can let yourself sit and gaze out of the window and allow your thoughts to flow freely, take you where they may...

I realise that I never attempt to blog my feelings on tragedies, because... because sometimes I don't like to dwell on how I ought to feel, how I am feeling, and allow multiple pictures of death and pain and loss and misery sweep me away. And because whatever I say would seem superficial, at least to me, when I re-read it... sometimes what you feel can only be expressed in this many ways, and everyone has already spontaneously done so.

Sometimes I wonder.

When you pray, sometimes, whether in a temple, a church, a mosque, or in the warm security of your bed, what do you ask for, for these people who have gone, for the people left behind? Sometimes I pray that everything will be all right, but how-- I really cannot fathom. Do you ask for the souls to be at peace, the family to heal? Do you ask for families to be reunited in a heartfelt, joyous celebration? Do you ask that people could return to their normal lives once more, sadder but infintely wiser? Do you ask for love, warmth and peace to spread throughout the nations, as far and as wide as the waves have spread, to reunite us all to work towards a common goal--to give what we can to replace what was lost?

I seldom bring myself to ask why something must happen, and why the world could be so unfair... Sometimes the truth hurts and sometimes there is no simple answer, no easy resolution, and sometimes... sometimes it's just the way life is. Fragile, unpredictable... If one were to shed a tear for every fallen petal, every lost life, your tears will fill an ocean, and you'll be drowning in sheer misery.

Escape? Denial? I am often so guilty of looking away and pushing these issues to the far edges of my mind... Does that mean I do not feel, would not care? Ought it not be a desire or a responsiblility to stay afloat, buoyant, atop these waves that pulled people under, so that at least you do still exist for the people whom you matter most to, so that at least you know you haven't lost yourself, too? I will reach out if I can, I will, but until we could do more we mustn't fling ourselves into the ocean, and lose ourselves in sadness. Reflect, if you must, in the view of such a painful tragedy, of your role in life, of how your oughta reach out and treasure the people around you more, but don't be consumed by cynicism and disillusionment and sadness anymore--don't let the waves take another person under. And it follows for every little tragedy you see: whether the most earth-shattering quake or the smallest mishap. Put your head up and swim for shore: live to be happy, and safe, and grateful for every person and thing you have with you.

Have a good New Year in advance, people, and may 2005 be a much much better year than this, and may there be no more tragedies.

Carolling Photoblogging!

Back. Happy Boxing Day people! *nods* Got my results back and am feeling decidedly chirpy, therefore I shall grace everyone with a nice long photo blog entry =)



This is currently my desktop background... it's so Christmassy and snowy that I just can't resist, even though it is but the Winter Wonderland Pokemon backdrop at J8 =P With the Christmas tree by the side and us in red shirts and Christmas hats it has all the makings of a pretty picture, with a decidedly festive touch =)




One more! This one has Da and Simon instead of Tim and Ginny, so I'm guessing it should be Deck the Halls (which sounded pretty good, by the way... for once! *beams* This calls for a celebration~ Woohoo!) Much thanks to Ben for helping me take the pics... Didn't catch Audrey or Cheryl senior... we actually forgot to take pictures after the crazy noisy Mos burger dinner, and I don't wonder why... we were probably too high to remember to take pictures =P Aww well, next time, I guess. Couple more pics in the album, check out the link, but apparently you have to be an imagestation member to view the photos. Blearghs.

Oh yes. I've a number of videos too, many thanks to Shu Ying for helping us take them... I'm wondering if there's any place online that I can store them, besides yahoo groups, due to the couple of violent objections from my fellow performers dare I pose them for public viewing... *shrugs* Shan't risk my neck =P




This one is from our carolling competition. Say hello to Fuoco! =) Have a lotta grumbling to do about certain annoying people that came along to spoil market but decided there's not much point dwelling on it, not especially after our elaborate verbal thrashing of the market-spoilers in Tim's car that had us all aching with laughter ;) And NO, what we said shall not be repeated here or anywhere else, so don't ask =P

Moving on. I would like to confess that I had a horrible time carolling at Harbourfront and was thoroughly miserable at the fact that the performance had to be repeated not twice, not thrice, but five bleedin' times. It was quite a draining experience, having to spend so much energy singing and beaming at an audience that doesn't really seem to be in the mood for Christmas, and not hearing yourself or feeling the rush of adrenalin that I've automatically come to associate with performing.

Thank goodness it got better at Esplanade and Europa. Much much better =) Not only did we sound good, we felt pretty good too. Esplanade's a charming place, with the classy concourse, decent mikes, proper dressing rooms and... funky identification cards. Check it out!



Charmaine, Artist. How cool is that? I would like a permanant name tag that goes like that =P

It probably helped that we were in costume when we were carolling at the Esplanade as well. Somehow with the gown and the makeup the carolling presentation has a more polished feel to it, if you get what I mean. I adore the choir gown. It gets me a lot more hyped up for the performance.

Presenting the Diva...



Okay lar, I guess it'll look more posh without all the barang-barang and mineral water bottles on the dressing table. But it's a nice dressing room, anyway. Reminds me of those dressing rooms at Kallang theatre and how thrilled I was with the light bulb-lined mirrors when I first saw them way back in my Sec 2 choir days =) Sua ku, yes. I bet half of you blogders don't get such luxury treatment as us artistes do ;) Just look at those brilliant smiles on our faces...




Okay, okay, enough bragging, or I'll start getting hatemail on my tagboard... =P What other pictures would you like to see? Oh right, I misssed out Europa.



This is us by the poolside, attempting to squeeze into the pavilion (well, it's a sheltered jacuzzi place, actually... except that they placed the big pot of Christmas tree into the jacuzzi... odd huh, but nevertheless pretty) for an all-girls picture.



And here are all the girls in place... Kinda dark, this place, even after picture editing... but any brighter it'll have looked unreal. Aiya, cannot see Gek's face... never mind, I believe I have lots of her in my imagestation album *escapes before Gek comes*


Yuppers, this should be all for now... Until everyone else diligently uploads their photos... Had a great time carolling with Resonance and Consonance this year, but to tell the truth I'm kinda glad we have a year-long break before the next set of carolling. 10 sets of carolling, not counting those that are repeated on the same day, are more than enough for the year *whew* Heartfelt thanks to seniors, peers and juniors for being such wonderful fellow carollers... Keep singing, peeps!

Two weeks later is Cons elections. I shall hereby send out a subliminal message: Not me not me not me not me not me not me not me not me.

Please catch the hint. =)

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas people~! =)

Listening to exclusive Christmas carolling videos now ;) Exclusive because no one else has the full set of them besides me, I believe... And there is actually nothing quite like listening to yourself as a part of a whole group, blending and bringing a Christmas carol to life =)

I realised that I haven't been blogging proper, long, decent entries for a while now, seems like the past few have been pretty abrupt and, at certain points, cryptic. Cannot be helped, have a few animosities regarding certain issues that I gotta come to a decision. (Not helping matters, am I?) But the feel of carolling with the choir has gotten increasingly better now, and the disappointment is wearing off... we sounded genuinely good at the Esplanade, and pretty decent at Europa last night as well, so I do feel much much better than I ever did during those repetitive muffled instances at Harbourfront Series 1-5 (Yuck).

Have uploaded several carolling pics, so if you'll check out my links on the bottom left hand corner you'll be directed to the respective albums. Hoping to take some more tonight. Shall photo blog a few of them in the next entry!

Apparently looking away and pretending not to see anything doesn't help to diminish the existence of the abyss.

I'm so bloody upset and so bloody peeved that I'm speechless, even as the absurdity of every little thing pounds in my head.

ARRRGHH!

Bubbling notes

Irrepressible delight.

Inexplicable. It's an odd feeling that I haven't felt for a long time, something new, something sweet... like a baby's first steps, like the grasping of a concept that suddenly gives you so much more to play with...

Hadn't felt that since my St Nicks days. Not just the bubbling delight from the depths of the heart, but this... newness, this venturing into new grounds...

A lot more room for improvement, but... *beams* it's a start.

Singing still, with a new style, with new approaches, playing on a different field, and, yes, with a bunch of very likeable people =)

More to come in the next year, hopefully ^_^

Oh yes, do feedback about the performance k...

You know, sometimes I'm so absorbed in my own world I miss the point entirely.

*shudders*

Oughta stop staring unhappily at the gloomy patches and appreciate the little things in life more.

Don't want to venture into a blog entry about losses and death and pain, because there is too much to say and because words of previous losses have been kept to a minimal... and it oughta remain so. Let it ebb away with time for now... perhaps one day I will recall and I will speak, but till then, we shall keep a respectful silence, okay?

And yes, I'm done with the cryptic entries for now, so you all can continue rippling without fear of treading on dangerous grounds or wrong interpretations lar...

Oh, happy happy singing day!




If only it could always be so...

Exhausted

Feel like I've had my oxygen bulldozed outta me.

beat, bleary, bone-weary, bushed, crippled, crispy, dead, dead tired, debilitated, disabled, dog-tired, done for, done in, drained, effete, enervated, frazzled, had it, limp, outta gas, played out, prostrated, run-down, sapped, shot, spent, tired out, wasted, weak, weakened, wearied, worn, worn out

The wonders of thesaurus.com when your mind is too tired to function.

_______________


It's easy to mean what you say, but difficult to say what you mean. *shrugs* I'll put an end to it soon, I guess, if only to give myself some breathing space, if only to retain the fondest memories of the past.

_______________


Where had all the passion gone?

You Are a Prophet Soul

You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone. Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people. Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run. No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way. You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle. Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings. A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning. You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Brisk update

Internet Explorer just hanged and my entry got devoured before it could be saved. Just when my writing juices were running dry. Bah.

Ok. A couple of quick updates.

Have a carolling competition this coming Sat, 7pm at Eunos CC, if I'm not wrong. Want to pop by to hear us sing?

Am on the verge of freaking out. Several mini panic attacks everytime I think of us up there before the audience, being judged for our singing. Am still very fond of O Holy Night cos it is such a beautiful song, but I have a feeling that the only emotion I convey when performing at this point in time is trepidation. And my higher end notes! Argh~! How can the seniors do it so beautifully, gliding freely over them like it's really no big deal? Gotta practice some more, sing sing sing sing sing...

We do sound better already, I think, very very much better. Just gotta squish this apprehension whenever a high note comes about... It's not like I can't reach it la, because when I'm not panicking unnecessarily I can hit it just fine.

Okay okay, rambling away now, not good not good. Move on.

I've finished The Da Vinci Code and Up and Down the Dales from RD Select Editions, and decided to break a little on my reading schedule for now. Anyway I am somehow very busy with one thing or another... mostly with singing, I think. The rest of the day is spent lethargically lounging in different parts of my room, mostly before the computer playing nonsense games, or working on drawings for my brother. Haven't cleared away this sem's stuff, but they have all been filed and stacked, so... *looks at stack* they can stay where they are, I'm not gonna move them anytime soon =)

Nightly carolling pracs for the whole of this week, and perhaps for the following week, too. Sleep with carols ringing in my head and wake up to hear them humming away still. Don't think I need to worry so hard about memorising them already, then -_-| Doo doo doo doo doo...

Oh, sent in my module preferences and major declaration today. As of now I should be heading towards a Lit major, because Lit is somehow more alluring than English ^_^ But we shall wait and see how the grades are like. If all goes well for this pre-allocation thingamajig, besides a Lit module, I'm gonna take Soci, Theatre Studies, French, and a GEM. Fun combination, yes? Interesting sem ahead, I believe =)

Okay, no more writing. Feeling too jumpy and too unsettled still, which kinda shows in the fragmented writing. Shall leave off here. Till the next time~

Abstract painting...

One of those listless times again. Sudden surge of wistfulness. The odd combination of memory, of blends between fantasy and reality, of blurring boundaries. Like how the darker shade goes onto the paper first, a strong colour, defined, with a name to itself. And then you spread it outwards, carefully lightening the borders, fading it more, and more, until the original colour is a pale shadow of what it used to be.

She likes them, these shades of colour that fade out into the light, the blends and the subtle highlights. Nothing blindingly obvious, nothing too definite. She lives in them, between these blurring lines and merging splashes of colour, shielding her from the stark, painful glare of reality--so dark, so constant, big patches of grey that mingle and mess up her colours, ruffle her anxieties. For this is not how the world should be. Of blues and greens she understands, as does she delight in dapples of yellow, pink, red and purple... the warm glow of orange, the quiet shimmer of white, even the defining silhoutte of black. But this grey mass, this undefinable entity that could blend just as well, so inconspicuoously with other colours, swallowing their glow, rubbing out their light... this she do not want, do not expect. Yet sometimes she becomes swallowed up in it was well, as do so many others, often forgetting her colours, the pictures and the paint, the light and the warmth.

Is clinging to your naively pastel pictures too impractical? Will there never be such thing as a rosy, peachy world? Must it only stay as an illusion, a fragment of a dream, put away at the edge of your subconscious, so that it will not be tainted but the waves of grey masses that devour us sometimes? But we have forgotten the world, forgotten ourselves and the pictures we once painted, because we struggle to fight the grey masses, live in only black and white, drawing lines and boundaries and living by rules and expectations that define what we are. Multiple-coloured personality? Nah, that is too schizophrenic, too frivolous, too fanciful.

To see the world through a child's eye again, picking things out by their myriad of colours, always watching out for a rainbow after the rain...

No, this is not an update. ^_^

Several anecdotes to unravel but not now. Hols are busier than my school days, and I blog less post-exams as compared to during exams. What an irony.

*sigh of resignation* Okay. VERY brief update. Updated my blog style as you can see. Not much, because tweaking html even a little requires a lot of observation and tedious trial-and-error. Not exactly my idea of holiday fun, but if I had my way you'd have falling snowflakes, bunnies racing across snowy hills, a big glittery christmas tree at bottom left and presents randomly scattered at bottom right. Oh, and a candy cane for your cursor. And a selection of favourite Christmas carols.

I wish ;)

Am singing a lot a lot! It's Res prac and Cons prac, Cons prac and Res prac... plus extra practices for carolling competition this coming Saturday. Last Friday was quite a killer, was dead tired after a marathon Consonance-Competition-Resonance pracs, one after another, stretching from early afternoon till night. Towards the end of the day, after being recycled for the nth time as the only junior sop, I was barely able to sing decently. Good news is, that probably saved me a lot of memory work... Won't be forgetting those carols in a hurry =P

Anyhow by Saturday I recovered enough to spend a full day at Camp A Capella, this workshop conducted by the Swingle Singers. They are one fantastic bunch of singers, and we get to see them perform close-up, and work with them, too! Goodness, I should have gotten the SC girls along, especially Dyn =) Shan't risk launching into a full descriptive narration of the whole process, or even to gush about their delightful singing, cos I promised this update will be brief... Though a couple of things to mention: It's good to go for the workshop with Da again, I think the last time we really sang together was back in SN, which is... really long ago. That junior Michelle was there at the workshop, too, seems to emphasise it all the more, this warmth of nostalgia. And the bits and pieces of our story, written so long ago, too... But that's another story =) And the next thing... I'm really grateful Deq let me off the sound check that was supposed to to be right smack in the middle of the day, in between sessions, so that I needn't have to rush up and down and miss the essential bits, and so that I felt less regret in missing any one thing for another.

More another time I think. This is a rather weird, slipshod update, but at 2am in the morning with more singing to do this coming afternoon, and my body aching from just now's swim, it might be a lot smarter to leave this as it is and continue another time. So till then, take care, peeps, and have a merry jolly holiday~