I remember a good friend of mine telling me once that to write something down is to concretise the thing, to acknowledge the fact...

I refuse to concretise anything, then. I shall write ambiguously, beat around the bush, and allow all occurances to remain their natural fluid selves, uninfluenced by my words, because I know not how to direct them, anyhow.

I do write with certain few thoughts upon my mind, though, that you may feel free to cast your own interpretations from, and see if you'd end up with the same things. The real delight in the flexibility of ambiguous texts is when you're the writer and you hold your own agenda, and everyone else wonders what to make of it... For all you know I might be thinking nonsense that do not link to a big picture, but ah, you will not know for sure *mischievous grin*

Trailing upon the train of thought sparked off by S/F tutorial today...

If we don't pin something down with language, if I let the thought float, but refuse to confirm or unconfirm it... then it will remain real and unreal at the same time, right? And until I make myself pick one of the possibilites, thereby collapsing all other possibilities the moment I say, or think, or write so... The possibilities will co-exist, still, and everything is still open to me, yes?

How very intriguing. Yet... *frowns* if some related party were to make a decision, then he or she will have the ability to close down some of my possibilities as well. How far do our ability to direct ourselves go, then? Like the free moving particle that you are, your direction is still oft- changed by other moving particles, is it not?

There is something, I feel, that I have not caught upon yet, that the fact that the possibilities are endless, always, but I have not... (dare not?) step over my own boundaries to explore. And within my self-set boundaries, as far as the eyes can see, choices are so few, so few...

Is it a question of make-do, is the choice ever with me, or do they reside in someone, anyone else? Does it ever exist, something tangible, that can be felt, and understood, and desired, and known, within my sphere of whatever-will-be? Or is blissful unknowing the only factor that enables free will, to explore, to realise, to feel for oneself...?

Or perhaps it is not a question of being, but of time. Whatever will be resides in whenever will be...

But when, indeed?

Still high, unfortunately, so have not progressed with my nineteenth-century essay yet. I did take to reading my twentieth-century text in order to sober myself, but Nice Work, whilst full of intertextual allusions and interesting social issues, is not quite sombre enough... In fact it's brilliantly funny and a positively delightful read =) Ooooh, I love that book. It's... curiously easy to identify with bits of uni life and lit-lectures, it has a absolutely entrancing main character, and ends off on a cheerful note. (Scrap realism, I like happy endings.) Managed to speed through Pinter's plays as well, and was left utterly mystified, and a tad regretful that I skipped lecture and tutorial to finish up work. But with the migraine last Tuesday I doubt I'd have been clear-headed enough to process and absorb information. Nineteenth century lecture that morning, for example, had weird squiggly drowse-induced notes down the margins that I'm still trying to decipher, and I don't remember anything said about Middlemarch other than the fact that it was THE Victorian novel, which means I should get down to reading it.

Which reminds me, I still have my 702-paged Middlemarch (complete and unabridged) and my 637-paged Ilium to finish up. (Don't remind me about Soci and computing, I haven't touched em yet) I have this wicked inclination to read the alien-sci-fi novel and skip the nineteenth century classic, which wouldn't be prudent at all, but I have an essay to finish, leh. 1,339 pages is not digestable in two days, I'm not so lihai, yet.

Must stop whinging and obsessing over my readings. Sidetrack a little... Apparently everyone is swarmped with assignments recently. I turned up 5 minutes early for my lit tutorial on Wednesday morning, and spent an increasingly alarmed 15 minutes alone with my tutor in class. At 10.07am Gail and I were in quite a despair, she having only one student in class, and me being the only student in class, and not THAT inclined to have a 15 min one-to-one discussion on Dickens with her and then having an early dismissal thereafter, as she proposed we do. Thankfully enough three other classmates trickled in one by one by 10.15am, relieving me of a private consultation that I hadn't prepared for. Everyone else rushing essays, I gather.

Oh, I collected the KE concert tickets from YMCA today. Refreshing break, travelling elsewhere besides home and school (gosh, I sound so sua ku), with company, too =) I love walking out along the streets without any nagging sense of time constraint at the back of my head. Puts me in a cheerfully bouncy mood. Oh, and Rendezvous last night was quite delightful, did I mention that? SnB was lovely to watch, their fluid dances moves, the ease and the grace... Food was decent, too, but not quite enough, I think... and it was one of the most relaxed performances we've had, I think. Unwell was kinda... erm, zao sia, but Sukiyaki felt good, and Techno--an absolutely spontaneous last-minute decision practiced only three-quarter times-- was quite well-liked, I think =)

Many many thanks to my fellow Rendezvous peeps and to Wai Lun for coming down with us too! Looking forward to next prac (RFYs performing!), but must rein in my hyper-ness now and settle down to study Hopkins and Arnold and Nature in nineteenth century poetry.

Till the next time!

I kinda think I'm supposed to do work.

Singing keeps me sane, really, especially when my mind's stretched out tight like the last week, struggling to meet deadlines and packed with necessary and unnecessary bits of info you need to write essays with, so saturated that when you hop, you worry that some information may spill out of your brimming brain, or something.

But after a brief break and a practice and a performance I get so high, it's a bit hard to settle down and sternly tell myself "write, you silly girl, write!" I do get down to it sometimes after lots of procrasination, though, only to be faced with distractions from other modules: it's weird to brainstorm for ideas for both soci and lit simultaneously (much less computing, which is totally no link, lar) and I get odd fragments of every bit here and there, instead. Help! I'm not studying for a fragmented post-modernist exam where I get to write in fragmented post-modernist ways, I need to focus on one thing at a time, but how do I do that when they've all got simultaneous weekly deadlines?

Oh, and people who write cheem-ly in the forum freak me out. Sorry, hor, I like to write in proper English, but I don't use three to four-syllable words repeatedly in sentences and draw impressive examples everywhere from history and politics and literature and old learned men.

Sidetrack a little. Recently a thought occured to me... I was thinking, if knowledge is a burden, then all wise men must be rather short. Too bad the reverse doesn't always apply, or I'll be really quite knowledgable =)

See, I'm starting to gabble nonsense now. This is what forum posting for soci of pop culture does to me: I am now flustered and unfocused and full of nonsense. Or maybe it was the delightful little performance just now, heh. Rendezvous was not bad, after all, and like I said, performing makes me high.

I should read depressing lit texts to sober myself, and stop my thoughts from hopping all over the place. Leave you all with a pretty picture =)

Sometimes websites make the weirdest statements.



why, I don't look human enough?

Was feeling quite accomplished at having finished Great Expectations and The Golden Compass but realised that I still have to cover 3 more Pinter plays and the 800-page, tiny-font Middlemarch.

Nearly died during morning lect today, having my eyes open and staring but my brain completely shut down already. Forty-five minutes of that, and you realise that your eyes ache like crazy. I -MUST- quit sleeping at 3am. There goes all my brain cells, and my body does its final protest in a screaming migraine. For which I'm quite relieved, really--it's gives me no alternative but to stop fretting over my work and sleep. At least for a while.

Still remarkably cranky over project and essay. Should this not be a public blog, you'll see Charm practise her limited range of vulgarities, or, alternatively, engage in high melodramatic wailing gala-fair.

Gosh, my head hurts.

Musing...

Having missed my stop on my way home the other night, it occured to me, while backtracking to my proper stop, that the last part of my 151 bus trip has three consecutive bus stops stationed beside three places of worship: a church, a temple, and a mosque, in that order, all facing the same road. It's a very heartwarming idea, I think, (even if people may disagree), that three places of worship be placed side by side, yet given enough space of their own in between... like religions can actually co-exist peacefully, and ought to, even, so long as we give ourselves and others enough space of their own, we can stand side by side as good friends, if not family, and it would be all right, still.

That's the way it should be. *sigh* Not any way else. No human-perceived issues of superiority. No constructed hierarchy. No suspicion and skepticism.

We're different not because we're meant to isolate ourselves and alienate the other, or because anyone is better than anyone else. We're different because we need to believe, and learn to trust others, somehow, even if there are things that clash against our belief systems...

I think I'm over-idealistic. But still I believe that we can reach an equilibrium, a secure, genuine sense of harmony, because after all, what doth religions preach, but goodness and understanding to your fellow beings, different or not?

Happy Children's Day

Found on my old stickerbook:

I hope somehow there'll always be
A little of that child in me:
That soft sweet innocence of eye
As clear as ocean, blue as sky...
That eager reaching out of hands
To all I meet who would be friends,
And that I'll be sincere and trust
With childlike faith that all are just.
My life from worry will be free:
To happines I'll hold the key;
And every day from morn till night
Be filled with wonder and delight.
And though the years may come and go,
My heart will never older grow......


It's okay to be weary and jaded with the world sometimes, but I guess we could all afford to awaken that blissfully idealistic kid in us once in a while. Happy Children's Day, people :)


We're children, needing other children,
And yet letting a grown-up pride,
Hide all the need inside,
Acting more like children than children.

--People by Barbara Streisand, later arranged into this lovely lovely piece by A cappella ExpreSSS

Tag! My 5 Quirks

Alamak! Sorry Yuying, I haven't been keeping up with journals and blogs lately, and only saw your post today... But hmm, better late than never, right? :)

Tagged by Yuying

Instructions of the tag: Given a topic, you are to write down your answers in your blog, and then send the same topic to 5 other people. Write down the names of these 5 people and link to them on your blog. Go visit their blogs to notify them that they are tagged. The 5 people who are tagged should, in their own blogs, write down the name and the link of the person who tagged them, answer the same topic, and send it to another 5 people, etc.

The topic: Your 5 Quirks! My Quirks:

1. I talk to myself when I'm exasperated. Really. Only when I'm alone, lar. =D And then I proceed to talk to whatever happens to offend me at the moment. =P "Oh no, Charmaine, you silly girl, where did you put your eraser? Hmmmm. *rummages through belongings and frowns* Oi, hello? Where did you go, huh? Hurry up, don't waste my time~ where where where..." And when I find myself too stressed or depressed, I pep talk myself out of it. Sometimes you're the best person to lecture yourself outta misery =)

2. I like to sing on my way home. Which is why I love rainy days-- the way home is clear of people, all sound is drowned out in the pitter-pattering of raindrops, and I get to sing comfortably at normal volume. It puts me in a decidedly good mood =) But of course it does give rise to a number of potential embarrassments when you run into an unexpected stranger round the corner who shoot you weird looks, even after you've hurriedly cut off halfway through a note the moment he appeared -_-
3. I set three different alarms at half-hour intervals in increasing distances from my bed just to give myself the illusion that no matter how little I slept, I still have "half-an-hour more" :P

4. I'm not a chocolate person, the way everyone else I know is. When I take more than a small share of chocolately stuff I need to compensate with bucketfuls of water so that I won't fall sick, but strangely enough this doesn't apply when it's white chocolate, just simply because it's white :P

5. I like to skip down steps. I dunno why. Habit, lar. It's a subconsicous thing. Even on tiring days when I trudge up stairways and drag my feet on level ground and on slopes, I still bounce down flights of steps.

Okay! Now it's your turn! [Why are we allowed to tag only five? Oh well. Never mind. You guys pass the tags on, k? =) ]

Charm tags:

Pink-crazy Chair-mum Cheryla

Super photogenic Celena

Favourite phone-buddy Gillian

Ex-F.Maths student Almost-Chinese Major SC Finance Minister Maria

Hyper lovable Sharon