I'm all right. Of course I'm all right.

I have decided that it is not wise to write too much, venture too deeply within the self, muse about stuff that gets you. Descriptive narratives chronicling situations, yes. Random memes, yes. But not feelings, not feelings, not feelings.

Not here.

Hence.

How glad I am for a promise that means a whole, whole lot.

And how glad I am for one whom I can trust.

"BELIEF is the theme for Singapore's first visual arts biennale. If today's world has painfully called into question many certainties governing society, history and humankind, can it also be described as an era of uncertainty in which the very subject of belief is in question? In the context of this so-called crisis of values, what do we individually and collectively believe in? Do we act on our beliefs or is belief simply a mindless act? Are the religious beliefs communicated by the great faiths more relevant than the secular beliefs in science, progress, democracy and politics that succeeded them? Or has the conflict between the two spawned such states of violent and ethical extremism in the service of religious and economic power that belief in anything appears incomprehensible? Are we beyond belief or at the threshold of its revival?"

from Singapore Biennale 2006.

Am intrigued.

Second day of school, and I am gathering my stamina to embrace the life it offers now. The first week of school is often one of the best times of the semester, the introductory lectures and settling in before the rush, the long stretches of hours you get to spend with your friends, a lunch here, a breakfast there, perhaps an hour or two to stone away.

Stoning without an accompanying worry is a luxury, and ought to be treasured as such for now. How much time do we have? we look at our watches and calendars and think. In days, in weeks, then in months and years... How much time is it to the next class, the next event, to the next phase of our lives? How much time do we have left together, how much time do we take to forget thereafter? And we sit thinking of the future, of the million of next-times, lamenting the loss of the last-times, and the present slips through quietly between our fingers, unnoticed, unrelished for the simple, beautiful now-ness that is.

I love cool rainy days, the brush of wind against your face, the smell of a freshly-showered nature in the air. I love the glimpses of familiar people in the corridors and the comforting presence of friends. I love the slower, milder pace in the second day of school, where people are still able to pause, and walk slowly, and talk, and afford to while time away.

So it is not so bad after all, this briefest moment of breathing space =) Perhaps it's also got to do with yesterday's migraine loosening its hold, for the throbbing pain makes things bleaker, heightens your sensivity to light, to sound, and leaves no shield from negativity... so very tired are you from all the nonsense you had to deal with, that you are furious with the world, and the sanity that struggles to hold down your temper and your potentially reckless tongue leaves you exhausted by the close of the day. Thank goodness for the sanity, anyhow.

Started on the opening pages of Coetzee's Age of Iron, and had the pleasant sensation of losing myself in this extended love letter from a mother to a daughter, the fluidity that draws you into the text and makes you feel the relaxing sensation of sinking yourself into cool soothing waters, where the outside-world sounds become muffled, and the text, for the while, becomes your reality.

"With what slow steps did I enter this empty house, from which every echo has faded, where the very tread of footsole on board is flat and dull! How I longed for you to be here, to hold me, to comfort me! I begin to understand the true meaning of embrace. We embrace to be embraced. We embrace our children to be folded in the arms of the future, to pass ourselves on beyond death, to be transported......

To live! You are my life; I love you as I love life itself... The first task laid on me, from today: to resist the craving to share my death. Loving you, loving life, to forgive the living and take my leave without bitterness. To embrace death as my own, mine alone.

To whom this writing then? The answer: to you but not to you; to me; to you in me."

-Coetzee, Age of Iron


It's achingly beautiful, the writing, the heart in the words.

Perhaps how much time doesn't matter so much after all, so long as we love every present moment we hold in our hands =)




PS I got my media-writing module! For (only) 402 points! (as compared to the hideous 2450 points in round 2A) It's quite a delightful surprise, cos I'd given it up as a gone case until I chanced upon it yesterday... Really chanced... I wouldn't have time to even try if Jiayan hadn't had her laptop open to monitor her own bids when I met her at the forum, heh... *beams* I'm happy happy!

School's starting soon. I haven't vaccuumed the gathering dust around my CPU and packed my table and wiped everything clean and pre-read a couple more books. I haven't discussed and planned with the other two girls, good and proper, the 21st bday celebration for a friend. I'm sorry for last-minute rubbish, and not picking up the pieces quickly enough. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm a disgusting multi-tasker, and I had thrown in my attention for one thing at the expense of a lot of other things, and I didn't realise. Till now. Insensitive git, you silly girl... Can you please draw yourself out a little and pay attention to what else is going on with other people who mean something to you too?

I'm still learning from everyone what it takes to be a decent person. I still forget, I still mess things up, I still get things wrong, but I'm trying to communicate now, and I'm sorry for all the times I have waited for things to happen, and I will will will learn to be better, however I could.

Opportunity costs will have to be balanced to fairness. *apprehensive* I don't know what I got myself in, having pushed for the next big event to continue with such gusto, based only on instincts and certain upheld values, but I must remember never to leave other stuff out as sacrifices anymore. Not family, not friends, not schoolwork, not passion, not sanity. Balance balance balance Charm, okay?

了了六分之五的一件心事。。 我想，也算不错了吧。
Yay! 睡觉！

School's reopening soon.

Good.

I shall start reading again. More worlds to journey, more stuff to think about, more things to analyse, break down carefully, weigh, flip around, muse over, ponder, revel in, discover, come to a realisation... Soak in hair-raising experiences that you can relate to, but need not live through... So that by the end of each book you finish and put down, you feel a sense of loss, but this loss does not build up-- it fades away with time. And life moves on, in its parellel plane. And you move along with it.

Was digging through old CDs yesterday, and found an old Mavis Hee album yesterday. Good. Shall spin it on repeat and indulge in angsty Chinese songs, with their alluring, almost intoxicating tunes... And then perhaps some introspective Chy'i songs.

天上地星星
为何
像人群一般地拥挤呢？
地上地人们为何
又像星星一样地疏远？
hey-ey-ey... hey-ey-ey...

I like the tribal-ish twist to some of her songs. All Soul's Night is another one that I like, echoey and surreal and haunting, like a wind crying through the trees and bonfires roaring...

There is something I need to remember, and until I remember what it is that I have forgotten, I shall keep seeking for a reminder. And keep firmly in mind the lit student's mantra of expectations-vs-relity, expectations-vs-reality.

Speaking of which, Under the Skin is quite, quite provocative. To the point where I was feeling a tad nauseated, and for a while all kinds of meat didn't seem remotely appetizing anymore. What a world... and what a way to process human beings... *shudder* If I have enough of these kinda books I can go on a voluntary diet.

We've got Dracula next sem! All hail the charismatic vampire who doesn't talk much(!) as opposed to the bunch of whiny men sent to stake it down, and spend hundreds of pages just talking, and talking, and talking. RAWR. Do something already, you twits.

Er-hm. Dinner now. More entries later~

I am peeved with people who hike up points to the thousands on the first day of bidding. GRAH! Media writing is no longer possible this sem (excuse me, 2450 points minimum?), and emotions and social life is going at an impressive 900+. I'm programally-point-poor, so there it goes too. Social variations in English for now. EL mods are nice in a way that they have enough vacancies for a decent, non-heart-attack-inducing 1-point modules =)

That said, I just hopped over from Eme's blog (you just reminded me of Winter Light! Love that song... Now I'm full of good feeling just thinking about the times we sang it for you guys ^^) It's a hauntingly beautiful song, so sweet, so sad, so ethereal...

Heart's call,
Heart's fall,
Swallowed in the rain
Who knows,
Life grows,
Hollow and so vain

Wandering in the winter light
The wicked and the sane
Bear witness to salvation
And life starts over again

Now the clear sky is all around you
haaaah... oohh...
Love shadows will surround you
All through the night
Stars glowing in the twilight
Tell me true
Hope whispers and I will follow
Till you... love me... too

Makes me think of long, long stretches of cold, cold plains, the rain that sweeps through, pouring, pouring... The glitter of a light, the clearing of the skies, and the tiny flare of hope. Hope, no matter how lonely, how lost, how cold... Hope, and lingering love, in the darkest of nights where the stars will still shine...

So all is not lost.

Found Linda Ronstadt's Blue Bayou too. Another favourite. As are Enya's May It Be and The Hunchback of Notre Dame's Someday and Out There and Charlotte Church's The Prayer and Anastasia's Journey to the Past and Chyi's Whoever Finds This, I Love You.

Yes, Charm's wholly uncontemporary song favourites... I like songs that tell stories, and calm you, somehow. Radio hits are for running with, with their thump-thump-thumping, but even those didn't sustain me long enough, and I had to yank off the earphones to listen out for the evening bustle,the playground laughter, the car-washing and the rustling of the wind in the trees...

*freezes in sudden realisation* oh crap! I've got songs to learn for tonight! Another "head-thumping-rock-number" by Amanda *grins* and the piece-to-teach-for-auditions... Aiyeee...

Okay, must leave off luxuriating in the soothing dreamy hopeful pieces and come back to reality, Charm. Till the next entry =)

7 things...

Tagged by Derek... So here's mine!

7 random things about me
1. I don't have a favourite colour, because I like the world in all its colours, and wouldn't have done without any one.
2. I don't like shopping in general, unless there is something to shop for, and unless the company is right :)
3. I express my thoughts better in writing than in speech
4. For some reason or other, I usually click well with December babies
5. I am a(n) (incorrigible) uni student who still reads newspapers only on Sundays and public holidays.
6. Yellow flowers make me happy :)
7. I'm a hopeless idealist on good days.

7 things that scare me
1. people. it's difficult to reconcile the idea that deep down, every being is good-natured and genuinely nice, yet they hold the greatest potential in acts of destruction, big or small
2. whatever threatens the well-being of my family and friends
3. inability to connect with people who matter
4. not living up to what I've been blessed with
5. singing solo. yes, I know -_- okok, I'll work on that, I promise...
6. not knowing what to say at crucial moments
7. ... can't think of anything else for now...

7 random music of the moment
1. Arms around the world. Love the song =)
2. Out There (from the Hunchback of Notre Dame)
3. Winter Light
4. Whoever finds this, I love you
5. 遇见
6. 家
7. Feeling Groovy

7 things i love the most
1. my family and friends. well okay, they're not exactly things, but I love them anyway :)
2. singing
3. writing
4. spending time talking and laughing with friends
5. home
6. the breeze that runs rustling through the trees and blows in your face, cool, welcoming and uplifting
7. swings

7 things i always say
1. Huh?
2. weiiiii...!
3. it's okay, you know
4. but...! but but but...! *trails off*
5. *disturbed frown* okaaay...
6. hmmm. *head inclined, eyebrows knitted* maybe lor.
7. eh... *sheepishly* i'm not so sure about that...

I tag anyone who is free enough to do this =)

On Friendship

Dug up this article from the Straits Times, written way back in 2003. It's really beautifully written, and oh, how true, indeed...

Friendship, A moving article by Sumiko Tan: Straits Times - Too old to make new friends?

>SUNNY, one of my dearest friends at work, will leave The Straits Times next month for greener pastures. He is not my first friend from the office to say goodbye. Over the years, there have been a handful of colleagues who became friends. In recent times, at least three others have also left. When Sunny told me that he was leaving, I moaned: 'With you gone, I will have hardly any friends left in the office!'Which set me thinking: At what point does an acquaintance or colleague become a friend? And, to take a step back, what is this concept called 'friendship' anyway? Indeed, what makes you click with one person and form a friendship with him, but not some other? If a friend is defined as someone I feel completely comfortable calling up at 3 am to bail me out of trouble - and Sunny will do so - then, alas, I don't have that many friends. Other than family members, I can count on just one female friend and three, at best four, male friends. But then, maybe that's plenty. As someone once said, one friend in a lifetime is much, two are many, three are hardly possible.


>FRIENDSHIPS are different from relationships - and thank goodness for that. You can be great chums with your partner, of course, but a relationship is so much more complex. It is not only about that enrapturing feeling called love, but - if you are unlucky - also a host of murky emotions like jealousy, resentment, anger, pain and despair. Friendship is simpler and fills you, mostly, with harmless Type B emotions - kindliness, fondness, warmth and cordiality. With a lover, you make demands and have expectations. But with a friend, you're cool. You don't really owe him anything, or have to explain much, because, ultimately, you demand nothing more from each other than pleasant company and an occasional listening ear. Love, I read somewhere, is blind, but friendship closes its eyes. How true.


>THE older I get, the more I value friends. Yet, ironically, I find that it is now not only harder for me to maintain old friendships, but also to form new ones. When I was in school, friendships came naturally. My friends and I moved in a pack - we ate, studied, gossiped and partied together. We exchanged secrets and gifts, sent cards and gave treats. Our friendships were firm, and sweet.Coming from an all-girls school, I didn't get to make male friends until I was in junior college. Initial shyness aside, I found that it was possible to have a platonic relationship with a guy, and that they made equally good friends. By the time I went to university, I was already attached, and had little time to make new friends, male or female. Then came working life. Through sheer proximity and the amount of time spent together, it was inevitable that some colleagues became more than co workers. What is it that allows you to become friends with some people, and not others? Shared experience is one requisite, and the sharper it is, the better. For Sunny and I, it was our years spent pounding the same beat, politics. That X factor called 'chemistry' is another, and I suppose this explains how you can be firm friends with people who are very different from you.


>THE saddest thing about friendship is that it can die. It doesn't come with a lifelong guarantee. Distance is one killer. Unless you are diligent in keeping in touch with a friend, being far away can drive a wedge in your relationship. Changes in circumstance is another. It has been said that a friend in power is a friend lost, and I have found this to be true. When a friend moves up in life, he will become too busy for you, while you don't want to risk rejection by trying to keep in contact with him. Marriages have also caused friendships to fade as your spouse might not take to your friends. Then there are friendships that die because they have simply run their course. I had a close female friend whom I had known since we were both 17. About four years back, after 16 years of keeping in touch through the mail, long hours on the phone and giggly lunches, our friendship died. Just like that. There was no quarrel, no disagreement, no underlying unhappiness or animosity or hurts. The plug was just pulled. The last time we saw each other was at lunch - in fact, it was to celebrate her birthday. We were our usual loud selves. After the meal, we gave our usual hug, said our usual cheery goodbyes and made our usual promise to meet again. We didn't call each other for weeks (which was normal, as we were both busy), then months (which began to feel a bit strange, but nothing to be alarmed about), then, yes, years (by then, it was too late to resuscitate the friendship). We did talk once, last year, when my father died and she called. I was grateful to hear from her and I know it took a lot for her to pick up the phone after so many years. I wish nothing but the best for her, and am always glad to hear from mutual friends that she is well. Yet, I know that if we were to bump into each other today, it would feel awkward.


>IF I value friendship so much, why don't I just go forth and make more friends?It is easier said than done. People my age and older are busy with careers and family. I have fewer things in common with those younger. But the fault is mine. At my age, I lack the energy and enthusiasm. Starting and maintaining a friendship might be far less arduous than a relationship, but it still requires effort.Do I have the strength for that on top of the other demands in my life? So, next month, I say goodbye to Sunny and I am left with one friend fewer at work. British writer Virginia Woolf once said: 'I have lost friends, some by death - others by sheer inability to cross the street.' Should I spot Sunny - and my few remaining friends - on the street, I trust I can muster the energy to walk up to them and say 'hi'. For, really, that is all it takes to keep a friendship alive. The greatest regrets in our lives are the risks we did not take. If you think something will make you happy, go for it. Remember that we pass this way only once. "The hardest part in loving a person from a distance is not being able to hold her hand and embrace her tight and tell her how much you love her - because you are only a friend."

Change of plans--didn't go out after all... So this marks one extra Charm-Stays-At-Home-Day. Applause applause, quick =D Okay lar, tomorrow got matric fair, and Thursday got lunch-date-with-OOPs, and Saturday with Yish and Gill, so this week is packed anyhow. I hope the booklist and books are out by then, so maybe I could begin reading. And don't glare at me like I'm nuts okay, you don't have six books per module that averages to two books per week that are *hovers hand over table* THIS thick on top of your assignments... This is only the minutest precaution to prevent insanity from setting in during mid-sem rush.

If I take The Body, I will complete a grand total of 4 exams in 3 days. DON'T ask me why the timetable turned out like that. At least it's 2 papers -one day break- 2 papers, rather than 2 papers-1 paper-1 paper consecutive if I took Women Novelists, which I would have gladly taken had it not been the exam issue. Hmph.

To digress a little... Eh, why Irish Poetry so high in demand this year? Little vacancies, min bid point going at 900+... in round 1A only, no less! Goodness. Methinks perhaps Charmaine should learn to be more passionate about poetry, like the high-bidding lit majors around her.

The Body looks set to go at one point *gleeful* Thank goodness for the pre-allocation system they adopted this sem! Now to focus on Media Writing and Science of Music =D

Now that I'm done rambling about modules, for now at least...

We had a half hour gig at Esplanade yesterday =) Complete with dressing rooms and backstage passes with our names on it =D No pics today cos I forgot to bring my cam down, shall kop from Meisi =) Think Cheryl was the only one who's high for the performance, though... Derek and Jeremy were so tired! and Wai Lun Amanda and I were more nervous than usual, I thought... Pitchy shifts and little snags aside, it wasn't too terrible lar, I guess... Had quite a decent crowd of audience :)

Note to self for all future performances: Must not radiate "CRAP! I DID SOMETHING WRONG!!!" vibes in such a blatently obvious manner.

Be back again with more entries soon =D

to take or not to take?

Am having a headache choosing between The Body: Politics, Poetics, Perception and American Literature II. The former is known to be interesting but dense, the latter is attractive because of its no-exam and no-essay format, and having a buddy who's keen on taking it too, and the fact that it focuses on comedic prose.

But the module description for American Lit 2 reminds me so much of 20th Century, for which I had a miserable time taking, and the only one title that I recognised-- Catch-22--is no easy read, although its wicked black humour is totally hilarious, in a bleak kinda way. War story, from what I vaguely remember, with characters who use the craziest, most ridiculous attitudes to deal with their life as a soldier. (Um, didn't finish reading it last time in JC) It's that kinda read that makes you laugh, and then feel depressed about the human condition afterward. Powerful in its way.

And American history...! I'm not so fond of history, to tell the truth, and neither am I familiar with American texts as a whole, having done nearly all Brit texts the last couple of sems, although if American films are anything to judge by, in comparison to Brit films, they're a lot more... colourful, and may promise to be more interesting...

The Body... a "tough, dense, but ve-ry interesting module!" is what I gathered from feedback... I forsee The Body would offer a lot to think about, lots of interesting abstract stuff that kinda reminds me of sci-fi's style of teaching, that is concerned with your reaction as a reader towards your texts, I guess, and I'm drawn to that, dead cheem as it sounds...

"The module explores the connectivity between body and mind in the act of reading. It challenges the perception that interpretation is a disembodied and purely intellectual activity. The module is designed to make students acutely aware of the body’s role in reading, partly to remind them of the fundamental role of the senses in one’s approach to art, but also to get them to see how they are implicated in issues that are raised through the body’s representation in politically and ethically complex situations in texts. The module aims to give students, via narrative and meta-narrative considerations, a new articulated sense of themselves as bodied beings and what that entails."

Funky, right =P Would feel a lot more comfortable if I have someone taking it with me, though, so that in times of utter cheemness there may be people to wail with me, haha...

Darn, I need to learn to make friends. *pause* Okay, this statement sounds weird, considering this is year 3, and I ought to have known enough people to go around... WHY are the rest of the people I know taking Irish poetry? I love the lecturer, he's super intriguing and thought-provoking in his style of teaching, but I am very wary of Irish lit, courtesy of bad experience with 20th Century (again). And me, horrible student that I am, am still scared of doing poetry with no prose to fall back on.

Flipped a coin last night, and was aggravated when American Lit turned up three times in a row. *laughs* Silly human traits of wanting chance to tell you what you want to know, then get agitated that it doesn't. So I tried flipping some more, and The Body turned up a few consecutive times. Decided it was not helpful and abandoned the idea. Alicia mentioned that chance drives sane and insane people nuts, and her comment kinda struck a chord-- how true, indeed... so yes, I shall decide myself, between practicalities like timetables and lecturers and exam schedules and usefulness and ease of scoring... and pure interest (which kinda goes a longer way than the rest, because if I had wanted to be practical to begin with, I should have accepted my NTU communications studies offer long ago... which is a darn scary thought because there wouldn't have been all this people I've known, and the exhilaration of studying lit, and Reso, which makes up the other half my NUS life... but I digress...)

*thoughtful*

Shall bid for the modules anyhow. Gotta rush out to meet the girls now. Oh no, I'm trangressing all my curfews and should-not-dos. *exasperated* Too many long days out. Must make it home early and attempt to avoid the tirade of "will-it-kill-you-to-stay-at-home-for-a-day" and other less mild jabs at the conscience.

Till the next time~