Espressivo (Part #3 of the SYF trilogy =P)

Oh dear, am so overwhelmed, don't know where to start. Yesterday, 6th of May, was the Big Day--SYF. Was out of my house at 7 plus in the morning, and reached home only at 9 plus. We got a silver. Hm. Predictable enough, but somehow... *sigh* even when I didn't expect anything more there was still a lotta hope... and that was what affected me, I guess. My expectations weren't dashed--no, I didn't expect anything beyond a silver--but that tiny little wisp of hope, the almost desperate wish for a miracle, the dogged determination of yes-duh-i-know-we-won't-get-a-gold-but-hey-there's-no-harm-hoping and the built-up of all the stress that added up to this one event, and the knowledge that there won't be a next time... It's just hugely overwhelming.

I think in a sense we were really lucky... no glaring errors other than an almost false-start by one of our year one guys... Our pps were really pp, and everyone was really careful... jeez, to the point whereby I felt that we are carefully picking through the notes, so much so that the usual ffs, drive and spirit was not there enough. But... okay lar. I guess I was being too tense... Most ppl found it okay, and even Miss Ong said it was really beautiful, and that she was really very relieved... so yar. Haha... after we got offstage she looked like she went through a tremendous ordeal or something... Never seen such great relief exuding from her before... She was sticking out her tongue and patting her chest like she just got a big scare... Jeez. Then she calmly evaluated how we did... while I was still somewhat fretting over our performance... Yes, I was in quite a bad state, and Az was frantically telling me that it wasn't that bad... Then Miss Ong looked over at me and went "It's okaaay! Why you frown until like that?" and ruffled my hair comfortingly... Was reassured too by the rest of the girls... So felt better when we went off for lunch...

Will cut a long story short. Came back at 3 for the results... it was almost 4 when they finally decided to announce it. Haiyer... they took so long can? Almost one entire hour! The tension was building and draining, building and draining... Killed off all my energy. Managed to meet Da and Gill and Cyn =) Really glad to see them. Created a scene before going in for the results when I saw Cynthia at the other door... cos Maria was going "Hey, what school is that?" And I looked over in the group of girls' direction--"Oh should be N...J... *gasp* Cynthia!" Haha... we nearly ran each other over when we hugged each other... her group and my group of choir girls were, I think, pretty amused.

Saw Gillian when VJ was making their way in after their songs... Then saw Da... but by the time she came most people were already seated liao... Heh... Slow =P But later while waiting for results still got time to gather and hug... yep =) Oh yes, saw Mrs Koh, too. She cut her hair so short! Hmmm... then she was like, "Hey... NY made a lot of improvement as compared to two years ago..." And I lightened up considerably, then -- "You all can most likely get a silver." Peng... two years ago they got a silver, too... Oh well. Then she turned to Gill Faye and Ade to talk about VJ stuff... "Your tone is like one of the best out of all the choirs..." Hmm. Oh well.

And then, after the grossly draggy wait, they decided to announce the results (yes, after letting Mr Dung-da-a-ang-dung speak to us first). They did it in order of appearance... hai... was so very --I dunno-- plunged in a wild mixture of emotions, mostly apprehension, while the announcer announced the results in all peace and tranquility. SR was the first announced; they got bronze, and they practiced 6 times a week, Sundays included, for the SYF... Poor things... It scared me half to death, too-- What if we got bronze, then? Then HC, RJ, TP got gold... (expected lar, yes?) and PJ bronze... by the time it got to NY I was freaking liao... "Nanyang Junior College Choir--Silver" Oh. Okay lor.

Guessed we were the only silver choir who didn't cheer madly... just slowly digested the results. SA, CJ and JJ all didn't expected their silvers, cos from what I heard, they screwed up the set piece, but we did expect ours. We did well, we did. Miss Ong was confident enough that we'll secure a silver. But... hai... can't describe how I felt lar... didn't even know if I really did accept it, whether I was happy, disappointed, pressured or just needed some form of release... but it occured to me that all my close SN friends' choirs all got gold, all got into finals... and all the hard work, all the stress that the com and the choir went through, amounted to this... and that no, it was never quite possible to get that gold, what was I thinking when I simply allowed myself to hope, anyway... and... so on and so forth... I realised I didn't quite know what I wanted, anymore.

Then after Miss Ong evaluated the results for us again, and told us, quite frankly, that we did do a lot better than the rest of the silver choirs, and that we probably got a very high silver, and that we shouldn't be quite so miserable, and... I don't know, a number of other things... It all just got to me lar. Everything, all that happened... After most of them left I choked out a "It's not fair." and started sobbing. *Sigh* Probably scared the remaining people like dunno what (seriously, I've never cried in public... only once in P2... and later once after Sec 2 SYF... that's like how many years' interval?) and within two minutes a mini group was flocked round me, going "Charm, it's okay, it's okay..." Hai. Gave them a bad shock. I do know that it's okay, but how do I put it? I need some kinda catharsis for this entire thing. Gt was there to comfort me also... she was going "Hey, it's okay lar Charm, you're the best president I ever had..." Through my sobs I returned, quite matter-of-factly, "I'm the only president you have" sending the rest of them into general amusement... Jes, ever so quick to retort, went "But we also got SR Nathan... You're really not bad liao lar..." Lame ar... got me into an odd mixture of sobs and giggles... bleah... But hai... they were really sweet lar. Poor Tr was crying after that also... and then got to comfort her after that... it was all really warm and amusing at the same time... the way the choir peeps look out for each other, offer comfort, share in the ups and the downs... =)

Da came up to look for me after that... Got a nice big hug... it was like St Nicks all over again. Felt better bit by bit liao =) (Hey... you all got into finals! So proud of you~!) Then Da gotta leave liao... We met Miss Ong by the doors... Haha she hugged me and told me "Yao4 yong2 gan3 yi4 dian3", to which I indignantly replied "wo3 yi3 jing1 hen3 yong2 gan3 liao~!" Then she just smirked. Makes me wonder how come she can be so mean and nice at the same time. Jeez... I didn't even dare to break down before SYF lor... Goodness knows how many people break down liao... I couldn't afford to do it though, else I'll really destabilise the choir's already shaky self-confidence... Like Shell pointed out, the pres has gotta be the pillar of strength no matter what... at least until everything is all over... So... yup. And yeah! We survived!

Outside VCH I met Gillian... another one of the SN hug (I find myself quite biased, but SN hugs are different somehow, you get what I mean? Not to say it's better or worse la... a hug's always nice~!) {Yar... I find this story turning out to be quite sappy... all the melodrama--tears, hugs, overriding emotions, and whatnot... but since it's a once-in-two-years kinda thing, and it's the last SYF we'll ever have, let me indulge a little =) }

Comforted but still out-of-sorts and dazed after SYF, we took some time to recover... went Esplanade to sit and watch the sea/river(?) lapping at the walls, cooling off, singing, contemplating, quietly chatting, bonding. Cl and Jes were peeved with the crying over the results (more so towards Val than to me, actually... long story) and were determined to leave a bunch of us alone to mope ourselves into better spirits. Little bit of tension there, but eventually it cooled off and dissipated, evidently with Az's arrival... Her super-animated play-acting of what happened when the group of them (who went back to school for maths lessons and came back to look for us to have dinner) took the bus from school to esplanade, and her hopping indignance at our inaccurate direction-giving, sent the rest of us into hysterics.

Thereafter was the mad, mad photo-taking, where I declared we must "take a representative photo for each of the SYF songs we sang". It was hilariously corny lar... funny thing was everyone just went along with the lameness spontaneously... yup, all the 16 of us who stayed back... Quite a sight to behold.

Hmmm then went to Marina... all the com treated all the non-com to Macs sundae... shared more ridiculous jokes, courtesy of Az... haha~ then walked on to Suntec to get dinner. We went for Eun's really delightful idea of a "romantic dinner"... all split up to da bao food and went the bonsai garden at Suntec to eat... completed with pavillions, dim lights, a variety of neatly planted bonsai and skyscrapers towering above us, outlined in their distinct yellow lines. Very memorable, indeed. More food, more photo-taking, more gossip, and more Azura-antics... her animated dramatic impersonation of her one particular classmate and her mad jokes... haha... the people in her pavillion all probably suffered from indigestion that day liao...

Dragged all the way till 8 plus before we yi1 yi1 bu4 she3 de leave the place, people randomly grumbling about the oddness of having no intensive choir prac for a while and later making plans for more outings. Parted ways, large group of us took MRT back together... then talk some more, laugh some more (goodness... it's amazing the energy we have left after one whole day of excitement) before we really went home one by one...

*Hai* Truly memorable lar. Will definitely miss all the intensive pracs and all the times I spent with the choir and our choir girls' ultra big clique... Hmmmm. *muses* Yup. Lots of warmth, comfort, joy, and yes, satisfaction derived from being with all of them. And a great amount of pride knowing that it's a wonderful bunch of people I'm chosen to lead... really very, very grateful and proud. Got a lot of heart-warming msgs that day... may leave them to end off the entry, just as a little something to remember the day by. To the rest of you... Da and Gill, good luck for finals, and to all the secondary choir peeps, good luck for your SYF too. Ultimately, whatever you all get, it will still be the people, the choir and the times shared that really matter... after all, what's a gold and a silver but a mere title, right?
~written 7/5/03