Crescendo (Part #2 of the SYF trilogy =P)

Good lord. I'm exhausted. I think that a lot of people are stressed up nowadays. The Band, Choir, CO with their SYF, the council with their council camp, and the like. I'm stressed too. It just doesn't seem as effortless as before. I don't know, the past is always rosier as compared to the present... common human mindset, I guess. But I'm so friggin' scared. Nothing seems to be in my control anymore. Especially in terms of choir.

It's frightening. We sounded so good yesterday, we made so much, so much improvement since full dress rehearsal day, where we scared the daylights out of ourselves and where I was, by the first song, already in the pits of despair. I kinda... expected... that today we'll be there, about the same standard, but no, no, no... it was all back to square one again... pitch, rhythm, the way we sang, the way we sounded. The choir's standard fluctuates... and my mood fluctuates along with it.

Yesterday I was in quite a sore mood. Lack of sleep, cannot finish up homework, morning PE, together with 2.4km, extra econs lesson I wasn't aware of, the mad rush home and back to school to get my choir stuff, and, most of all, the residual effects of the Saturday practice, where the three of my choir peeps were so upset, and the bleak thoughts of SYF... combined together (which of cos, means the usual unavoidable Monday-migraines) was depressing, to say the least. I perked up a little when Val walked by me after my lit lect, poked me, and waved a cheerful hello... Goodness, I was so glad that she's fine... And that my 2 other SLs were fine too. Then of course there's the nice thank-you note from Shell (goodness, what would I have done without her?) and a concerned word from my lit teacher Miss Tan (yep... she's one cool teacher all right) which made things a little better. But what really sent the depressing mood scrambling off was choir prac at the end of the day... the choir was, in general, in a pretty good mood... perked me up somewhat... and the the songs--the pitch, the tone, the mood, the tempo... goodness, it was all more-or-less there, and it sounded good. I was all cheery after prac liao, hop-skip-a-jumping, despite the pounding migraine, which had by then eased a little. My hopes, then, for SYF, was lifted a little...

... only to be quite crushed by today's prac. Miss Ong was saying our choir is actually okay, that we are quite capable of making great leaps and bounds of improvement, but whether we remain at that particular standard after the improvement, and move on from there, is not something we can quite accomplish yet. She is so painfully right. *Sigh* I started out cheery this morning, only to be plunged into anxiety and uncertainty now. So our choir how? How can we even make it? I don't want a COP or a bronze... simply maintaining a silver, after all the effort, seems awfully painful as well. Is that all we can go? Is that all we can do? I don't want that, I want... something else.

And even if we perform our current best? It is not enough, not enough at all. We come right after ACJ choir, dammit, the gold-choir cum shoo-in-for-finals cum Best Junior College Choir of the Year 2001. And right before TJ choir, the super good technique choir. (Sounds familiar... must have repeated that like a million times liao... not that it changes the fact, anyway) We'll have to be better than the best if we want to get anything decent... *wails to self* It isn't fair... it just isn't.

Can imagine how devastated I'll be on competition day... oh no... *Buries head in hands* Sigh. Breaking down to cry will be a good idea, huh? Stress-relieving technique, though not exactly practical... jeez, I can't even make myself cry, I'm just... hmmm... not used to it. And, hey, I'm not that depressed... yet. Think I'm a lot luckier in lots of ways than a lotta people I know... why shouldn't I take a little stress in my stride, right? Am already tremendously gratified that there's a really great bunch of choir peeps and friends making life so much more delightful... not to mention a really cool committee... =) And all my ever dearest SN friends, who are just a phone call away =P Heya peeps, whether you are ever gonna read this or not, here's a huge thank you to all of you... and a big ((((((HUG)))))))! Hmm. Yup, should be all for now... just need to get it off my system... some form of catharsis to relieve stress... at least it's better than going around black-facing people right? *grinz* Yah Lar... so hey... to all you fellow choir peeps reading this... good luck for your SYF, yah? And take care!

~ written 29/4/03