alas, that migraine...

I feel a suspicious tiny dull ache in my head. *annoyed* If this means a headache, then it's one headache too much liao lor. I shall log off soon, after putting up last Tuesday's entry, which was left unposted in notepad for some reason that I cannot remember. Unvetted grammer or written expression or something. Yah, I'm that particular about what I write, sometimes =P Okay, here goes...

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10 minutes! Then I MUST log off. WHY, my dear Charm, are you so obsessed with blogging when you're supposed to be doing anything else but that? *shakes head in exasperation* Well. Must be the 'blog spontaneous things without fretting too much' resolution, because blogging suddenly becomes very appealing, after getting stuck with a block for a while =) Or maybe it's a reverse psychology thing. When Charm is free, she has nothing to blog. When Charm is supposed to be busy, why, there're plenty of things to say.

Yesterday was the first day of school, and what do you know, by the end of two lectures I get plagued with a throbbing headache that crescendoes dramatically into a screaming migraine. No joke, I tell you. I distracted myself long enough over lunch and book-buying, napped away the hour-long bus trip, distracted myself again by singing random running notes on my way home and through a shower, then collapsed into bed and died for a couple of hours. Woke up woozy and the pain doesn't go. Not a good sign, because when the head throbs like there's no tomorrow, you get a very empathetic understanding of what the common English expression of "a bear with a sore head" must feel like, and I'm a lot less sweet-tempered, and lash out spontaneously when provoked.

My mum gets extra anxious, I think, when I have a migraine, because I flop around like a boneless undead, which means I get scolded a lot more for horrible daily habits like spending long hours on the computer, and sleeping late, and not taking care of myself properly that lead up to this painful end, and how I oughta have known better. Which is perfectly true, but I cannot digest harsh words nicely when every light and sound jars at my nerves, disgustingly sensitive as they are then, throbbing and crushing so, and ugh, everything also cannot. It didn't get to the point where I'll be nauseous enough to not be able to take in food... Had enough discipline to last through dinner, thank goodness, and after a few pounding minutes at the living room still decidedly bleak and grumpy and ugh, paaaaiiiin, I retreated upstairs and collapsed in bed again.

Dr A mentioned during lect yesterday about how one of her friends was giving possible explanations to the rising cases of troubled young girls slitting themselves continually with a knife. One possible reason is because they feel so much emotional pain, they need to inflict physical pain on themselves to take their minds away from the mental agony. Another possible reason was because they've become so numb towards living that they need to inflict pain on themselves to actually remind themselves that they exist, because they still can feel pain. Later that evening, in the myraid of throbs, I had unsympathetically grounded to myself "They should freaking try having a migraine then, they'll be screaming 'Okay! Okay! Enough!! I can feel, I really can feel, I do freaking exist, just stop this pounding now...!'" because before any other thought the aching head stands a-glowering, and the eyes hurt so.

*shudder* I hate migraines. I get filled with the bleakest thoughts ever, and flounder to distract myself, yet there are so much stuff the head has to grapple with, because of the sudden, acute sensitivity to not only light and sound, but negavity-- I pick up on latent tension more sharply than anything else when I'm having a migraine, without the luxury having my consciousness auto-shutting them out-- and the eyes, they freaking burn and set off chain reactions in my head, so that all I ever ever want to do is to is to keep them shut, to drift into sleep so the pain is never conscious pain anymore, so that it will eventually go away...

But in the midst of half-consciousness my little brother brushes against my hair, an uncharacteristically sweet gesture, and asks me if I'm all right, and my mum sighs "haiii, this girl..." tugs and gently draws the blanket over me, and my dad comes in to quietly shut the windows and switch on the air-con, and you know, with the glowing warmth not from the feverish heat that burns within, the littlest breeze of soothing cool, that you're all right really, because there they are, with you still, though you might mess up so, and say all the wrong things, and feel like absolute crap because of one dehibilating migraine.

And sure enough the next day is ever more beautiful, more refreshing, glowing with a joyful, abundant something that you cannot quite place your finger on, because the darkness rolls away, the heaviness lifts, the throbbing has ceased, and everything is oh-- so much lighter.

It hurts like crap, but it makes me feel human, and so very very grateful, for so many things.

:)