Blogging

By blogging standards I don't seem to have been updating regularly. But then there always comes a time when things come to a halt and you pause and think, What the hell have I been saying?

This is just one of those times.

I'd like to think that I don't tend to shoot off my mouth without thinking carefully through what I've gotta say first, but then again it might be perhaps one of those many little reasons why I've set up a blog-- to rid myself of this reticence that has somehow brought about a certain unspontaneity. It's not always as easy to speak as spontaneously as I type, because while I can begin by typing nonsense and filter them out after reading through and editing, what is said is already said--there's no taking back your words.

I don't even want to think why I have to be so conscious about all these little things. Bah. I am self-conscious by nature, and that is a particular trait I've been trying to undo, because it makes me feel so painfully awkward sometimes. It's a curious contradiction, I think... Like every complex human being I'm full of contradictions =) But I shall not impose this on you for now-- no point destabilising people's perspective of what you are truly like when they've become comfortable with this side of you. Yah, me the guai kia, the hardworking and demure and sweet little girl *cringe* We-ell... in some ways yes, in some ways no. But that is easily definable and socially acceptable (or so I hope...) so we shall leave it at that. A favour, though-- give constructive criticism where criticism is due. Am not a fragile ornament that would shatter at negative comments, you know.

Moving on. Sometimes I do get pretty irked that the blog can be so very public, but then again, is that not its purpose, this voyeuristic, narcissistic need to want to expose your views to an audience? A blog's no more a blog if there is no audience, or so I'm coming to think. But as the number -- and variety-- of blogders (aka blog readers) increase I'm becoming more cautious of my content. It's schizophrenic, I tell you, if I need to sort my entries into different blogs to cater for different groups of people, so as to take everyone's feelings into account. It's madness too... You can argue that the blog's yours and you can write whatever you like, to heck with the readers-- yet... it's always dangerous to get too personal. It's like talking about racial and religious issues and airing your skewed prejudices before a varied audience--you're just asking for trouble -_- But to each his own, I guess.

Oh, my mum knows I own a blog, by the way. She was standing beside me looking dubiously at the screen--"You mean you guys just put up your diary for the public to read?" I attempted to explain that yes, apparently we do, but we don't exactly include really personal details... "Oh, right. One day when I'm free I shall have a look, then." What?!? No lar, cannot... My indignance was apparent--"Don't read lar ma it's nothing, seriously..." "But the whole world gets to read it what," she reasons, "so why can't I, right?" "......." I rest my case. Wouldn't do to overreact... and anyhow she holds firm to the belief that computers are a waste of time and a strain on the eyes... she wouldn't be browsing through my entries anytime soon, and she probably knows significantly much more than I would ever let on in a blog... but an alarming thought nonetheless.

Not much time to continue, and not enough inspiration to launch into lyrical prose as yet... will probably do so another time. this entry hasn't turned out the way I wanted it to, having loads more to comment about blogging, blogger and blogders and why I resolved to online diaries in the first place, but... Hm. Save that for a cool rainy day when I won't begin to randomly feel guilty about not studying -_- Eeps.