To my dear SC girls, a big big big big thank you for tonight :) I know it's a bit ridiculous to go "thank you for coming out together", but I'm just tremendously glad to be out with you guys again, brief as it is, talking over coffee till almost midnight, that warmth that comes so easily and stretches all the way back to early days...

Friends do so keep me sane sometimes, simply by being just who they are :) What would I do without all of you?

Oh, and a big congrats to dear Miss Producer for her lovely production~! You really could see, and appreciate, the effort and energy woven into this whole thing =) Good luck for tmr night yah?

_____________________________

Late nights out induce a lot of thoughts... There's so much to catch up on, beyond essays, beyond books... I need to catch up on my friends' lives, people whom I haven't seen for ages (I saw Marianne today! and two primary school classmates!)

I need to catch up with my life, too. Catch up, perhaps, with growing up, because all of a sudden I feel so behind. I feel so out of touch with reality sometimes, and those moments when I return, it's almost like I don't... quite... grasp...

It's a distant distant comprehension of things, like the way one analyses literature texts belonging to another era quite beyond yours. How they all relate, universally, but is still not entirely you. Like gazing at the world around you through a mirror reflection. Real, but not quite real.

I don't really say this, perhaps because it is one of those small things that probably don't matter, but to be perceived as small and cute and innocent is sometimes really quite... disturbing. Of course it's only a brief comment, maybe a compliment, casually tossed out (maybe one time too many), yet sometimes the thought of it scares me. There's nothing lasting in that, nothing that is dependable, nothing that promises survival in the long run. Cute things are for display purposes only. Sit behind a glass enclosure sheltered from the world and looking, but never quite part of it all.

I like to think, sometimes, that I'm more real than just that...

I guess, for a person who has taught herself to be content with being, it is perhaps time to learn to be in a state of becoming. Changes used to intimidate me... and yes, it does intimidate me still, but staticity is equally scary, for it promises a greater loss, for the world will continue to spin. With or without you.

*sigh*

Growing up need not be quite so bleak, yes? Yet it's strange how these angst is so characteristically incorporated into this process.

Don't worry, I'm not depressed, just a bit contemplative for a while :) But I really should get on with catching up with my work already.