On Writing...

On Writing...

*hesitates* Still screwing things up, I see, even though it might not be directly related to me, but...

Am I being very silly, when I feel like apologising for things that I cannot control, because I have not forseen it in the first place? Darn it, and I've always been so ready to hop into the happy-warm-fuzzy-feeling of every little thing I come across, and end up being blissfully unaware that... that... well, that things might not be just as peachy for everyone else. I'm sorry =/

Well. Like that helps matters any. But I'm still sorry. For what I cannot do, for... *ponders* But what? what could we have done to make it work out better, so that it'll be better for you?

Just going on various trains of thought now, attempting to tie the related threads together. But I don't know how to react, yet. Just... slightly uneasy.

And then I break my train of thought with another link to another friend's blog. It seems so very voyeuristic, browsing random entries backwards in curiosity, but then... *shrugs* I don't know what I am looking for when I browse blogs, really, besides general catching-up, and their opinions on random events, and well, their perspective on stuff... it's fascinating in a way, how different people are, in-your-face and in writing. So which do you believe?

And as so many people are, there is so much of the wistfulness, a longing for whatever is not yet within your reach. Does no one write happy blogs anymore, or do 'happy-bouncy people' in "real life" use the blog mostly as an outlet for their quieter, sadder sides? *pause* Do I do that, too? *frowns* But not really, right...

I guess it's a principle I hold, to sit out angry, moody times and keep them out of my writing unless there's something to learn from them, or if I really needed the catharsis and to externalise the bad feelings (which, HAH, goes into elsewhere that you don't get to see), or if I could end the entry on a hopeful note, with a possible resolution tagged right at the end.

I am a crazy idealist, a hopeless optimist. Have you figured that out yet? =) Nah, Doesn't mean I don't have my bad days, it just means that I refuse to dwell on them. Have a good cry once in a blue moon, shove it to the ends of your subconscious and let it ebb off eventually. I don't know how everyone else survives, though, but judging from depressing entries all 'round... I guess the blogging is pretty good catharsis, huh? (don't need to guess if I'm pinpointing any one person, because my blog favourites' list extends from the top of the screen right down to the bottom, and needs to be scrolled, so even if it applies, you're just one of so many...)

I used to wonder, a long time ago when I owned an online diary before the blogging craze descended, what it would be like if everyone else has an online chronicle of their thoughts and feelings, so that you get a little peek into what they're really like. Yet now with this blogging phenomena it's just... madness. So almost everyone now has got a blog. And even if some blogs make for fascinating reading, I get shaken by the fact that if you access one's blog, you also get access to the person's innermost thoughts and feelings, insecurities and flaws... even if you don't really know the person well at all. It's not an understanding that comes with time, but an instant preview laid out for (unintentional) judgement, is it not? Like, you don't say, "Hi. My name is Tom and my relationship status is currently very ambiguous, and I am actually a darned self-conscious person with a lot of insecurities, and sometimes I feel like a pathetic creep and I'm easily manipulated by guilt, but if you know me on surface level I'm a cool and funky person to be with, really." but it's all freaking outlined in the blog, within any few random entries of angst. So that cheerful girl that you met at orientation and the charming guy you saw at a party is every bit as insecure and self-conscious as you are, and isn't really as glammed up as you thought they should be, after pages-ful of tearful, self-deprecating entries cursing the world they live in.

It's unnerving. I mean, it's good to know that everyone's not perfect and that everyone has their own personal problems to overcome, their own demons to face, and well, we always have things to learn from one another, and yes, of course you have every right to vent and rage and wail in your blog, but still... sometimes it's a bit of an info overload on the readers' part. So, if any time in my writing I have upset you with melancholic thoughts and deep dark questions of life-and-death and made you worry for me and have you believe that I'm a fragile instrument that's easily shattered, then let me just reassure you... it isn't really so bad, I'm alive and kicking, and have never contemplated suicide. (As a sidenote, though, I never really ventured too far into that idea, because I always thought that if you kill yourself, then you kill a small part of every single person who loves you, and... *shudder* I cannot afford to hurt them so badly...)

Darker posts are often just a small reminder that Charm isn't merely a cute-sweet-fluffy-blur-little-girl... there were moments in the past when I have this annoying, nagging feeling that people treat me like a furry little stuffed toy to be patted on the head and handled with care, when they preserve a consistantly happy image before my eyes and then go weep in some little corner. Hello? I look like I cannot take bad news, is it? Yet it is inevitable that people react so... Is it not easier to just slot people into stereotypes: "the cute, innocent, guai one", "the macho, can-handle-anything one", "the bimbo, giggly one", "the boring chao mugger" and just treat them accordingly, without having to worry about their multi-dimensional personalities?

Eh okay lar I'm done with talking serious stuff. It exhausts me. Too much of an effort, lar. Goodness knows, it'll be nice to be a little silly and bimbo and cute and skip around the marigold fields with a flower in your hair and the sun on your face without a care in the world, if that image does not induce a slightly nauseous sensation in the more mature portion of readers, or in myself, for that matter. Heh. Come on, write a silly happy entry, if only for you to read back and roll your eyes at how impossible you are. It's good to have something lighter to look back at now and then.